Stone Cold Friday: Unite & Win. Divide & Fall – The Sequel
“Choose your next wittisism wisely, Mr. Bond, it may be your last.” Here’s Darius’ latest letter to the unconverted. Or unconvinced, I’m never quite sure which is most appropriate.
The name is Bond. Darius Bond…
As the resident analyst and spook working for the ‘Anti-Football’ espionage establishment; I hereby file my annual report having been commissioned to carry out a destructive interference programme on Arsenal. For the uninitiated, the establishment runs a dubious committee set up to oversee the capitulation of Arsenal.
The committee sits late every Friday night guided by the silhouette of a hangman and his noose perched above their heads.
To: The Dubious Black-ops Committee Of The Anti-Football Establishment
Since my last report in December last year, we have continued to make great strides with our Arsenal destruction program. Our biggest interference activity was during the summer as we implemented Operation ‘Broke-back Barca’. We may not have succeeded this time, but we managed to recruit the useful idiots in the Spanish and English media that were desperate for anything sensational.
Our inside sources have confirmed to us that they are ready next summer to continue with the subversion to lure the Arsenal captain back to the homeland. We can also continue to count on the stupidity of some of the ‘Broke-back’ players who are desperate to get in front of any camera given the right sort of nudge.
Our continued campaign to spread poison and conspiracy theories about how the team has a “soft and milky” under-belly and how they lack substance is well on target. As you know, achieving this hasn’t been easy – and we have spent considerable resources over the last 5 years ‘encouraging’ media hacks and pundits to spread the misguided narrative that Arsenal will never cut it.
We have also uncannily recruited more moles to pose as influential Arsenal bloggers to pump home our Anti-Arsenal message from within the ranks. It was paramount that we attacked the very strong ground and foundations that the club has invested in – it was critical that no focus was directed towards the hapless plight of rival clubs in the north of England who are buried in unmanageable debt.
This remains an arduous task, especially when the more level headed voices of reason within the Arsenal community actually get their message across that the club is doing very well under the circumstances. Our strategy has to be that of attacking their fickle, spineless, weak glory hunting fans.
This undoubtedly is a small vocal minority, but combined with our allies in the media and pundit circles, we continue to plough the message of how the team is crap. We have actually succeeded in making everyone believe that Arsenal has the worst defence of the top flight teams. It doesn’t matter that this isn’t factual, the idea is to grab something, and run with it.
Look at their home form for example. The team are actually scared of playing at home, a clear indicator that our strategy is bearing fruit. All the ‘useful idiots’ we’ve planted in the crowd have developed the fine art of moaning and bitching, and they have believed the narrative to the point where they don’t even know how to support any more.
Another area of slow progress in our interference strategy is the continued attack on their goal keeping situation. We were doing well up until they installed a Polish chap as their number one. Truth be told, we’re having difficulty with this one. The Arsenal keeper is actually the most in-form keeper in the Premier league as I write this report, but luckily, their fans are to fickle to even bother looking at the ‘Lazarian-esque’ resurrection that this young man has had in goal.
They have been brainwashed so much in believing that they only have useless keepers, and we have to focus on this angle to keep the masses believing and talking about this, especially with the transfer window coming up in a couple of weeks.
We must continue to encourage this group of fair-weather plastic fans to unleash the customary venomous tirade as they spit fire and brimstone on the internet and airwaves. The voices of reason of the realistic and level minded supporters will soon be drowned out if we maintain the current pace of interference.
The main concern however is the momentum that the team continues to build. So far, we have been successful with our mission for the simple reason that majority of the Arsenal fans focusing on the moaning and complaining have failed to see how far this team has got. Our worst nightmare is that the supporters as a collective actually get behind the team and support them through thick and thin.
We must make them believe that being top of the table is simply a fluke conspired into reality by the weather. We must make them think that being in 4 competitions with a chance of winning each of them by this time of the season shows a team that is desperate of winning anything even the tin cup.
We must spread the message that the tin cup is only for the losers who can’t hack the ‘grown-up’ tournaments, despite the fact that Chelsea and Man United have always fielded their strongest teams to win this competition.
We must insist that the only reason that Arsenal are doing well as compared to other title rivals is that others are going through a ‘blip’ while Arsenal is just not good enough when they show any signs of weakness. Our friends in the media continue to effectively spread the message that they are weak and useless, that there is no place for beautiful football in the game as we want it.
In conclusion, let me remind you all of the cost of letting Arsenal succeed in anything. They’re perhaps one of the world’s best run sporting businesses, and their success is a direct counter argument to how the establishment has been doing things for decades now. They threaten to shame the establishment into accepting that there is an alternative way, and they threaten to impose themselves for decades to come as the dominant force in European football.
We cannot let that happen, and our most effective strategy is continuing with this interference program. We must stop their supporters from uniting behind the team at all costs.